Review: Morbius 4D

Being stoned didn’t help make this horrifically unoriginal Spiderman version of Dracula any more palatable.

Originally, I agreed to see Morbius 4D because I like action movies and Marvel, and I was thrilled by the idea of a vibrating chair. I didn’t (and still don’t) know much about source material – only that it’s vampire-themed, and I hoped Jared Leto might bring something cool and different to the genre (even though I was later reminded that he’d already entered the genre as the Joker in DC’s Suicide Squad).

In this Sony-made abortion by director Daniel Espinosa, an emo cripple, Michael Morbius (seriously) becomes mates with another crippled boy and calls him by the wrong name the whole movie which is kinda confusing and bitchy. They’re both on crutches and require 3 blood transfusions per day to stay alive.

Just like Spiderman, these boys grow up together; Morbius (Jared Leto) becomes a combination blood scientist and, I guess, eugenicist. And the other (Doctor Who/Matt Smith) becomes rich. Also like Spiderman, Leto mixes his DNA with an animal (the bat) to become Batman Morbius, all with the help of just one other scientist; an Olivia Munn lookalike whose entire character is her tight, high pony plait.

Also, lol, there’s even a scene where Morbius goes from scrawny to ripped like Peter Parker.

Anyways, Leto goes bonkers and kills a bunch of people on a boat, which becomes the focus on an unnecessarily cantankerous cop and his partner, who are portrayed as villains just for doing their job. There’s a montage of Leto figuring out his powers – literally him alone in a lab doing a voice over of his abilities, surrounded by all this science equipment but instead making notes in a journal. Then he’s on the run, I think. And then his crippled, jerk pal becomes a villain (again, just like in Spiderman) because he stole and ingested the bat juice.

They fight about the perks of being a vampire, I think. We don’t really care about either of them so it’s kinda pointless. The effects are really good. And Leto’s blue eyes look really pretty, but his botox is pretty distracting and fully pulls you away from the idea that he’s a crippled scientist who needs 3 full transfusions of blood every day to stay alive. I honestly don’t remember the end because Sam kept giving me little Curly Wurly snakes and the chocolate was melting onto my hands making them all sticky.

Also, if you think 4D is gonna be like a massage chair with a gentle breeze – guess again. I felt like a diminutive twink getting tussled around by a very dom chair. To the point where you can’t eat or drink because it’d spill. It was kinda funny. Or maybe that was the weed. I honestly don’t know. And I don’t care.

This film was as bad as the Sony-made Fantastic 4, and the Eternals.

There’s also a post-credit scene where a villain from the Spiderman movies is introduced into the Morbius world, which would be exciting if it wasn’t in the trailer/Michael Keaton is listed second in the credits on IMDb.

Whatever. Fuck you, Sony.