Mates don’t let mates date shit-bags. Or do they?
Written by Jordan Davies
Something really terrible has happened! And it’s worse than the current season of Drag Race Down Under (lol it’s unwatchable).
A mate of mine – sweet guy, will remain anon – has started seeing someone who is a chaotic shit-bag. And now, as if I needed even more stress in my life, I’m faced with the potentially friendship-altering decision of whether or not I let me buddy know, “hey, this dude you’re dating is totally nuts.”
Now, I appreciate that “chaotic shit-bag” is a pretty nebulous term. And I want to be clear that it’s more than a personal dislike, but less serious than anything in the “convicted criminal” territory. For the sake of this discussion, I like to define a “chaotic shit-bag” as someone who has a chronic, objective background in shitty behaviour, ya know? Manipulators, clingers, ghosters, cheaters… that kinda thing.
I also want to be clear that I don’t think these people are unlovable. We all know one, we may even be friends with one, but my thinking is that as long as they stick to dating people outside of my friendship circle, it’s none of my business. Because maybe they’ll find someone who perfectly partners with their brand of crazy.
This is about deciding whether or not it’s my responsibility to give my mate a little context that they mightn’t otherwise have. And the question of whether I feel ethically responsible for mitigating any potential heartbreak/distress for my friend.
So knowing those parameters, I figured the best way to navigate my way through this ethical Game of Thrones episode is to crowd source – let me do the homework, and you can copy my notes. And yes, I let them choose their own pseudonyms…
So the question is: Would you feel compelled to let your mate know they’re dating a shit-bag?
Marlow Jones, Sydney
Yes, I’d say something. My friends are free to make their own decisions, but those decisions should be grounded in well-rounded knowledge. If I know someone has been a shit in the past, I think my friend should be aware of what I have to say, then they can move forward however they please. But I’d be mindful of how I phrase it. I don’t think of anyone as a “bad guy”, but they can have done bad things. So, I’d try to separate the behaviour from the person. As in, I wouldn’t say, “Boris is a bad guy!” It’d be more like, “the way Boris’ last relationship ended was pretty intense.”
Christopher, Sydney
It depends on how close I am to the friend. Because if I’m not that close with them, it may seem like I’m interfering. Giving advice comes with a level of trust, and the friend would need to trust you if they were to heed a warning.
Alec Ballswin, Los Angeles
Nope. I wouldn’t say anything. I believe we’re adults and there’s only one way to learn these kinds of lessons and that’s to work through them! How will your friend learn to spot a red flag if you’re always stepping in? I feel like when I was newly gay, my mates were very quick to warn me about other gays, and I’ve realised that it affected my ability to understand relationships. As in, it suggested to me that people were either “bad” or “good.” Now, I know that friendships and relationships are way more nuanced than that.
Rupert Pupkin, Sydney
I’d want to trust my friend’s choices, but also give them the truth. I guess I could give my opinion, but that’s just it, an opinion. We don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors – maybe they’d be perfect for each other?
Iris Bloom, Brisbane
Back in the day, I would’ve confronted my friend guns blazing. But I’ve learnt that doesn’t work – it’s a waste of time and energy. Nowadays, I’d talk to my friend, ask them questions, nudge the conversation in a certain direction and let them make up their own mind. It’s more effective letting someone come to their own conclusion than an outright warning.
Gunner, New York
I like to believe people are learning from their mistakes. Even if this person has a shitty history, maybe they’ll be better next time. Maybe they’re seeing a therapist. So, I’d only say something if my friend explicitly asks for my opinion. Otherwise, it’s not my place.
Cole, New York
I think it comes down to whether or not I can trust my friend to make the right decision for themselves. I’ve known people who tend to be attracted to “damaged” people, and if I can sense that, I’ll consider saying something.
Barry Boot-kamp, Sydney
I wouldn’t want to, but if the guy is super toxic, I’d need to explain to my mate why I’m distancing myself from them. So, if that situation arises, I’d need be clear that my friend is free to date whoever he wants, but I’d need to establish some boundaries for my own benefit – and hopefully he understands.
Figaro Delany, Sydney
Depends why you wanna say something? Are you doing it to protect your friend, or to protect yourself from having to pick up the pieces later? Or even because you simply don’t like the guy? I suspect there are people who want to say something for selfish reasons, and I think that needs to be part of your decision-making process.
If you have a situation you’d like to discuss on The Daily PrEP, please feel free to send a DM on Instagram or approach me at the Beresford on Sunday where I’m in the mindset to be harassed by strangers.